dario argento

We want to hear your thoughts!

Essence is coming soon and you can help!

Essence is coming soon and you can help!

I had the pleasure to see the teaser trailer for the new film by Jeff KACMARYNSKI’SESSCENSE” the film has a real late 70’s vibe to it from what I saw and have to say I’m intrigued along with the grindhouse feel of the style of old film. The trailer gave a little bit of what to expect but didn’t reveal all too much which is good because seeing this I’m interested to see what will transpire and want to walk in  surprised on how it escalates. I was lucky enough to get a little more information from the Director on the plot and inspiration of the film “After the death of her son, Joanna discovers a hidden room in her home, with a power that could lead her back to him. However, the room instead, unleashes a malicious cosmic entity, that feeds on her fears and sanity, ultimately unleashing a terrible mind game. Our cast includes legendary Lynn Lowry, and veteran actress Maggie Wagner. We are doing a very psychedelic surreal horror film, influenced by Cronenberg, Lynch, Lovecraft , Argento and Fulci.” I have to wonder will we see body horror, over the top gore that will get under our skin? One thing is fore I myself can’t wait to see more. This will be his first feature film that he’s done since his shorts he did some time back DEAD THERAPY is featured in Wild Eye Releasing’s movie WELCOME TO HELL which all have won several awards. Right now there’s a indigo campaign so if you like to contribute by all means even a share helps! For more information here’s a direct link to the Indigogo campaign

 

 


Posted by Jai Alexis in COMING SOON, FEATURED ARTISTS, HORROR NEWS, NEW RELEASES, SCI-FI HORROR, SLASHERS AND BAD HUMANS, 0 comments
MOVIE REVIEW: Cannibal Ferox (aka Make Them Die Slowly) (1981)

MOVIE REVIEW: Cannibal Ferox (aka Make Them Die Slowly) (1981)

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Any horror fan worth their weight in shrunken heads, has at least heard of Italian director Ruggero Deodato’s infamous carnival of cannibal carnage, Cannibal Holocaust, and how its notoriety set off a mini-explosion of cannibal knock-offs during that same period. Not to be bested, City of the Living Dead helmer Umberto Lenzi wanted to see if he could equal, if not top Deodato’s, claim to ‘fame’, and the result was a nearly identical ‘homage’ to Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox (retitled under numerous names as most films of the period were but recognized mostly under the alternative Make Them Die Slowly).

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.You’ve got to hand it to the Italians; when it comes to mixing and matching hybrids, they go for broke, which makes for some of the goofiest, most unexpected plot twists and turns you’ve ever seen! Not content to simply settle for Cannibal Holocaust’s scenario of having ‘students’ going into the Amazonian wilds for anthropological reasons, Lenzi begins his screenplay as…wait for it…A CRIME THRILLER.

The story immediately starts off with a bait-and-switch, with a guy who we think will be a major character, until he’s promptly murdered by two goons in a New York apartment. Turns out they’re looking for a guy named Mike, who swindled them out of a lot of money, and unfortunately for him, they didn’t believe he had no idea where Mike was.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Enter the cops, as the murder case is headed up by Lt. Rizzo (Robert Kerman) and Sgt. Ross (Venantino Venantini). If Rizzo looks familiar, he should. Kerman also appeared in Deodato’s Cannibal Holocaust, underscoring the intentional similarities in the two pictures. But just wait…Lenzi encroaching on Cannibal Holocaust’s turf doesn’t stop there!

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Cut to: somewhere near Bogota, Colombia. (Yeah, the transition is just that abrupt – get used to it!) Gloria Davis (Lorraine De Selle) has come here with her brother Rudy (Danilo Mattei aka Bryan Redford) and her best friend, the model/actress/free-spirit Pat Johnson (Zora Kerova), for something of a dual purpose. It’s for an adventure in the Amazon, sure, but Gloria is also a student of anthropology (shades of Cannibal Holocaust!), who is here to work on a dissertation that will disprove the entire concept of cannibalism and expose it as a myth created by colonialists who wanted to paint indigenous tribes as some kind of evil threat to more “civilized” people and, therefore, justify their extermination.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.It takes a while for the fun to begin— nearly the entire first act — as Gloria, Rudy, and Pat eventually make their way down the Amazon River and begin their trek into the jungle to find the village that is the center of Gloria’s intended research. The usual ‘antics’ take place along the way: a cute little — lemur? Anteater? I’m not sure what the hell it was, but it was given to Pat by a native on the boat trip— is horrifically crushed to death by an anaconda (and probably eaten later, off-camera); the jeep gets stuck; and they wind up having to make their way to the location on foot.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Dying screams of agony lead them to a clearing where they find the slashed and impaled bodies of another native man and woman, and wouldn’t you know it — here’s where our intrepid heroes run into…MIKE! As in the “Mike” everyone’s looking for back in NYC. Mike Logan (Giovanni Lombardo Radice, the iconic star of such Lenzi hits as House on the Edge of the Park and City of the Living Dead, billed here as John Morghen) runs into them with his wounded buddy, Joe Costolani (Walter Lucchini aka Walter Lloyd) in tow.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.When questioned by Rudy about what happened to them and the two dead bodies, Joe recounts a fantastic tale of looking to score some “really good shit” down here, when they ran afoul of a native tribe that enjoys snacking…on humans. He and Joe barely make it out alive, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. Having seen enough of these, it’s not hard for the audience to see from the jump that Mike is more full of shit than a livestock farm. Pat, however, is immediately intrigued. (I guess you know where THAT’S going.)

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.The now-enlarged group of five finally does make it to Gloria’s village, but for the most part, they find it nearly deserted, save for a bunch of elderly indigenous men, some women, and a few kids…none of the young men around whatsoever. And things are just about to get a lot stranger…and dangerously awkward.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.

It takes a good little while to get to the “making them die slowly” part, but remember: it’s not about the destination, but the JOURNEY. Mike turns out to be an even bigger asshole than any of them realized, and it’s his actions that bring about the gruesome retribution from the natives, well-deserved or not. And unlike the jaw-droppingly realistic effects of, say, The Green Inferno, the practical and visual work here may elicit more giggles than screams from viewers since a 21st Century audience can’t help but notice how painfully “primitive” the bloodletting is. (Though it was probably anything but for moviegoers of that time period.)

The same thing that has many overly sensitive horror fans concerned about Cannibal Holocaust is present in Cannibal Ferox: the real-time, on-camera killing of animals. The anteater-thing that was Pat’s pet, as well as a large turtle that the natives dismember and eat ‘au naturel’, will probably be more of a turn-off to some than what happens to the humans. Yes, the anaconda sequence seems especially cruel, as it feels more like something set up intentionally by Lenzi in order to get some exploitative footage.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.But to be completely realistic about it, anyone who’s seen a nature documentary has witnessed everything you’ll see here in the way of animal deaths and worse. The butchering and consumption of the turtle are so matter-of-fact, you can pretty much tell that it wasn’t the first time the tribe had consumed such a meal and probably wouldn’t be the last. Yes, it’s questionable that something so unsettling should have been used as the basis for entertainment, but it’s a bit hypocritical to dwell on this as an issue if you’re going out after the movie for a Wendy’s Triple if you get my drift.

But back to the movie. The NYC/Amazon scenario split keeps you wondering if it’s all going to come together eventually in a way that makes any kind of sense, and I guess it does at the climax.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.Whether or not Cannibal Ferox one-ups its Cannibal Holocaust predecessor is up for you, the viewer to decide. For my taste, it’s just way too close to call. The very “Seventies” message that the violent nature of “civilized” man is contagious seems rather quaint now, or way too obvious to take seriously from a film that — let’s face it — hasn’t aged very well. As expected, the scenery chewing and horrendous English dubbing job are present as usual, though no one can ever say the cast wasn’t up to Lenzi’s demands. Everyone gives their best, and Radice is especially hissable as the amoral Mike.

Cannibal Ferox (1981) / Fair use doctrine.As for the direction, Lenzi is very similar to his contemporaries — Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, etc.— in the way that nothing ever stands between him and telling the story. Crappy acting, substandard special effects, iffy locations, hiccups in photography and/or editing — none of it matters. You may scream, cry, puke, be repulsed or tickled pink…entertainment is the main objective, and there’s no way that anyone into the human fast-food sub-genre WON’T be completely captivated. And there’s something to admire in that determination and sense of commitment — even if it’s only good enough for grindhouses and drive-ins.

For never being boring and maintaining its promise of off-beat entertainment at the very least, Cannibal Ferox gets two-and-a-half leg-gnawing stars out of five.

Posted by Samuel Glass in GORE OR EXTREME HORROR, MOVIE REVIEWS, SLASHERS AND BAD HUMANS, 0 comments
The MAYHEM FILM FESTIVAL Brings Scares Aplenty To The UK

The MAYHEM FILM FESTIVAL Brings Scares Aplenty To The UK

Are you ready…for absolute MAYHEM? The Mayhem Film Festival descends upon Nottingham, UK, at the Broadway Cinema, October 11 – 14, 2018. Featuring some of the best of horror, sci-fi, and cult classic features and shorts, there’s going to be a wide variety of cinematic genre offerings that should keep everyone happy.

Quite a few of the menu items have been making the rounds at many of the festivals, with some of them even winning awards. You’ll find a few that have been reviewed here and some that are about to be in the very near future, including:

Mayhem Film Festival: Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)Anna and the Apocalypse : A Scottish high-school Christmas zombie musical, this one’s been getting a lot of buzz lately, and MAYHEM will also feature a Q&A with Anna and the Apocalypse’s director John McPhail.

Mayhem Film Festival: The Witch in the Window (2018)The Witch in the Window: Canadian filmmaker Andy Mitton’s follow-up to Yellowbrickroad and We Go On, this supernatural chiller is primed to bring a lot of unhappy relationships together. For those families where someone loves horror movies but hates the PG-13 ones and has yet another finicky watcher who loves horror but ONLY if it’s PG-13, The Witch in the Window is that happy medium where everyone gets what they want. With a minimum of reliance on tired horror tropes and no gore whatsoever, The Witch in the Window specializes more in classic creeps, using the slow-burn technique to come to a heart-warming, yet also heart-breaking finish.

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich continues to advance the beloved cult Full Moon Features franchise, with both fan favorites Udo Kier and Barbara Crampton on board.

Mayhem Film Festival: One Cut of the Dead (2017)One Cut of the Dead: Asian filmmakers have had their American brethren hanging their heads in shame (or they should be) with the way they’ve been managing to freshen up the tired zombie genre, with Korea’s outstanding Train to Busan and the quirky Chinese gut-muncher Zombiology: Enjoy Yourself Tonight. Now it’s Japanese co-writer/director Shin’ichiro Ueda’s turn, and if the other two are any indication of what kind of surprises to expect, you probably want to get your tickets to this one ASAP.

Mayhem Film Festival: What Keeps You Alive (2018)What Keeps You Alive: Even if you’re not familiar with Colin Minihan’s name, you’ve probably seen one or both of the films in the Grave Encounters franchise that he launched, or maybe his zombie-apocalypse-hits-Sin-City thriller It Stains the Sands Red. Based on his past work alone, his latest, a remote, woodsy horror drama sounds like another ‘must-see’ to add to your list.

Mayhem Film Festival: Nightmare Cinema (2018)Besides these films, there are also some debuts and other goodies worth noting. Nightmare Cinema is the much-anticipated horror omnibus from genre icon Mick Garris, who gave us the unforgettable Showtime shock-stravaganza Masters of Horror. Directors on-board this time around include Garris himself, Joe Dante, David Slade, and Ryuhei Kitamura (No One Lives, Versus, Midnight Meat Train).

Mayhem Film Festival: Mandy (2018)Mandy, the plenty-talked-about horror-on-acid freakshow starring – appropriately enough – Nicolas Cage – will infiltrate the Festival as well, and hopefully have tongues wagging just as much about its writer/director Panos Cosmatos, who also created the equally trippy Beyond the Black Rainbow.

And if One Cut of the Dead leaves you ravenous for more Japanese horror-goodness, you’re in luck. Making its UK premiere will be Shinsuke Sato’s live-action adaptation of the popular manga Inuyashiki.

And if this wasn’t mind-blowing enough, there’s also going to be a screening of the Lamberto Bava/Dario Argento collaboration from 1985, the crowd-pleasing Demons, and from Finland, The White Reindeer, a rarely-seen supernatural adaptation of a Finnish folk tale, made in 1952 by director Erik Blomberg.

More information about dates, times, the features and shorts, and where to get tickets, can be found at www.mayhemfilmfestival.com.

Posted by Samuel Glass in ATTRACTIONS AND DESTINATIONS, EVENTS, HORROR NEWS, PRESS RELEASES, 0 comments
What’s HoTs in Mainstream Horror?

What’s HoTs in Mainstream Horror?

This year has seen many exciting releases cinematically and on DVD / Bluray for horror fans, from the thrilling John Krasinski film A Quiet Place to the latest addition to the Children of the Corn franchise Runaway.

As usual, the genre is so varied and in the coming months, 2018 is set to provide us with even more variety to enjoy on both the big and small screen.

Here’s a sample of what’s to come.

Coming to Cinemas

Mainstream Horror: Slender Man (2018)Cinematically we begin with the release of the long-awaited film Slender Man, On August 24th. Based on the 2011 myth created as part of a competition, the film supposedly investigates that and the resulting case where two 12-year-old girls attempted to murder their friend in the woods, claiming it was because of Slender Man in 2014.
Mainstream Horror: The Little Stranger (2018)The next release will be The Little Stranger, which will hit cinemas on August 31st. Starring Domhall Gleeson, Ruth Wilson, and Charlotte Rampling, this release focuses on a ghost story and is being described as a stylistic thriller set in a big British country house.
Mainstream Horror: The Predator (2018)Many fans will be excited on September 14th, when The Predator is finally released. This newest installment of the franchise is co-written and directed by Shane Black (who actually played Hawkins in the original Predator film back in 1987) and will feature the Predator within suburbia.
Mainstream Horror: Mandy (2018)On September 14th the film Mandy will hit the big screen. Panos Cosmatos directs this film set in 1983 in the wilderness. The film stars Nic Cage and focuses on a supernatural revenge drama, sinister cultists, and demons on motorbikes.
Mainstream Horror: The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)The House With A Clock In Its Walls will arrive on September 21st. It is about a 10-year-old boy who awakens the dead, a sleepy town becomes filled with all kinds of interesting and dark creatures. This is Directed by Eli Roth and stars Jack Black, Cate Blanchett, and Kyle McLachlan.
Mainstream Horror: Halloween (2018)October wouldn’t be perfect without the release of the long-awaited return of John Carpenter with his beloved Halloween on October 17th. Following the original release (as a direct sequel), we will pick up 40 years later, with Laurie yet again having a face-off with Michael.
Mainstream Horror: Suspiria (2018)On November 2nd we will see the controversial release, of the long-awaited American remake of Dario Argento’s classic film Suspiria. The film focuses on the darkness that envelopes a dance troupe, focusing on an ambitious young dancer and a grieving psychotherapist. Will fans embrace this remake? Only time will tell.

Coming to DVD and Blu-ray
As for the big DVD and Blu-ray releases coming in the remainder of the year, most will help fans revisit some of the biggest releases of this year so far.

Mainstream Horror: Boar (2017)On August 15th, Australian filmmaker Chris Sun’s Boar is released on DVD and Blu-ray and on demand. For preorders, you can head to Sun’s website for Slaughter FX and secure a copy early. The film is centered on a large boar terrorizing a family and members of a small outback community. It stars Bill Moseley, Nathan Jones, and John Jarratt.
Mainstream Horror: Cargo (2017)On September 5th Cargo will be released.  Cargo features Martin Freeman in this story about the aftermath of a pandemic and one desperate infected father’s struggle to find his infant child and protect her, even from him.
Mainstream Horror: Hereditary (2018)Two weeks later on September 19th, fans will be able to get their own copy of the film Hereditary in stores. It stars Toni Collette in a chilling film about a mother dealing with grief while trying to understand her daughter’s strange behavior. With a mixed reaction at the box office, will fans flock to buy their copy?
Mainstream Horror: Mary Shelley (2017)And finally, on November 14th, we will get the Mary Shelley DVD and Blu-ray release. Starring Elle Fanning, this is a retelling of the story of Frankenstein author Mary Shelley that did quite well at the screenings it had in April and May at various film festivals.
Posted by Michelle MIDI Sayles in COMING SOON, HORROR NEWS, NEW RELEASES, 0 comments
WiHM: Suspiria (1975) 4k Restored

WiHM: Suspiria (1975) 4k Restored

Suspiria is without question ranks as one of my favorites not only in horror but films in general. And that is really saying a lot because I have seen thousands of films. Its mixture of pulse-pounding terror, beauty, gore, and fairytale-like rhythm instantly drew me in and had a huge impact on me upon viewing. So you can imagine how excited I was to hear that not only was the film finally getting a beautiful new 4k Blu but also that the print was touring the country. It was a huge undertaking for Synapse and it took a whopping four years to complete. But let me tell you it was well worth the wait. Twentieth Century Fox currently owns the theatrical rights and have allowed select theaters to exhibit it.

The film is about Susie (Jessica Harper) who is attending a famous dance academy but she soon discovers a terrifying secret lurking all around her.

Audio and Visuals: Argento’s films are known for their trademark color schemes of reds and blues and Suspiria is perhaps his most visual work of art and this is really where the 4k shines. The colors are masterfully handled and when the first bit of blood begins to flow you can really tell how it pops. There were also little details in the film that I completely missed which is a further testament to what a bang-up job Synapse did in bringing this classic back to life. It was really breathtaking especially when you consider this is a 40-year-old movie. Of course, the film is as famous for its ear-thumping and unnerving soundtrack by Goblin. In fact, many horror fans consider it the greatest soundtrack of all time and right out of the gate the score hits you. It was just incredible to hear the score which was crisp, clear and really gets under your skin.

Final Thoughts: If Suspiria ever plays anywhere near you or you have to drive a few hours it’s highly worth it. The film has never looked and sounded better and getting to see it up on the big screen is a true event.

Check out some of these comparison images from Synapse films, and let House of Tortured Souls know what you think.

Suspiria_11-768×864
Suspiria_10-768×864
Suspiria_9-768×864
Suspiria_8-768×864
Suspiria_7-768×864
Suspiria_6-1-768×864
Suspiria_5-768×864
Suspiria_4-768×864
Suspiria_3-768×864
Suspiria_2-768×864
Suspiria_1-1-768×864
Posted by Mike Vaughn in MOVIE REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
Suspiria (2018) A Remake I Can Get Behind

Suspiria (2018) A Remake I Can Get Behind

Hey, horror fans! We all love Suspiria and the works of all of the Argento’s and I know I am normally the one who boo hoo’s all remakes but this has so many great people attached and they all love and appreciate the project that I am actually encouraged! Actress Mia Goth I saw reported says that it is not a remake but an homage to the original film. Some of the characters do seem different but the premise seems the same so we shall see, but in the meantime lets just go with the original. Hopefully, you all know the original premise but if you do not, let me share. Plot summarist for IMDB Polly_Kat gives us this:

Susie Bannion, a young American woman who travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.

Known for its amazing writing, directing, acting, and lush colors, Suspiria was always considered an art house film, to me it is a horror fans’ horror film. And when I look at horror remakes I look for writers involved. In this case, they are Dario Argento who wrote the original characters. He is the firstborn son of famed producer Salvatore Argento. Daria Nicolodi is the mother of Asia Argento and wrote the original screenplay and also starred in Phenomena and Deep Red written and directed by Dario Argento. The screenplay was written by David Kajganich writer for the upcoming Ridley Scott production The Terror TV series, Blood Creek, and The Invasion. So many amazing people that will hold true to the filmmaking of the original Suspiria from 1977. The wonderful director is Luca Guadagnino, known for Call Me by Your Name (2017), I Am Love (2009) and A Bigger Splash (2015).

To add more fuel to the fire is the amazing cast. Chloe Grace Moretz (Let Me In, Carrie, Kick-Ass) as Patricia, Dakota Johnson (The Social Network, The 50 Shades Trilogy) as Suzie Bannion, the incomparable Tilda Swinton (Doctor Strange, Constantine, and was reported to be one of the choices for Pennywise in the new IT movie) as Madame Blanc, Jessica Harper (Suspiria original as Suzie Bannion, Minority Report) as Anke, Mia Goth (the new amazing film A Cure For Wellness, Everest) as Sara, and Angela Winkler ( Tin Drum, Clouds of Sils Maria) as Miss Tanner.

Another thing I was so excited to find out is that the film score is being done by Thom Yorke the singer for Radiohead who has done The Prestige, Vanilla Sky, and Children of Men. He knows exactly how to set the mood for this new foray into Suspiria 2018.

The film is in post-production and I can honestly say that I am very excited for this film. One last comment from the director that he gave to Criterion,

I have three months until I finish it. It’s a very special film, and I’m proud of it,” he told Criterion. “I wonder all the time how people will react to it, being that it is based on a masterpiece. I often find myself in the position of saying ‘Oh, it’s ridiculous!’ when I hear stories that they want to remake a movie like 8½, so I don’t know if I’m going to be served the same dish. But I can say that my Suspiria is a very personal film; it’s like oxygen to me. When I saw the original movie thirty-two years ago, the emotion I felt was so strong, so mind-blowing, and so important to my upbringing. I wanted to investigate the experience I had watching that film.

We here at House of Tortured Souls will keep you updated on its progress because we know that The Truth Hides Behind These Walls!

Posted by Alan Smithee in CAST AND CREW NEWS, COMING SOON, HORROR NEWS, NEW RELEASES, REMAKES AND REBOOTS, SATANIC/DEMONIC, THRILLER, 0 comments
VORTEXX SCHEDULE FOR DECEMBER 4 – 11, 2016

VORTEXX SCHEDULE FOR DECEMBER 4 – 11, 2016


By The Crimson Executioner
&
Woofer McWooferson

Welcome to The Vortexx where it's been ALL HOSTS ALL THE TIME FOR SIX YEARS!

Welcome to The Vortexx where it's ALL HOSTS ALL THE TIME! We've got a terrific line-up of shows, hosts, and movies coming up this week for your viewing and chatting pleasure, with one great new movie making its Vortexx debut along with several returning favorites. Our hosts are Arachna of the Spider People & Deadly, Movie House Ron, Riggor Mortiss & Nyte Angel, Freakshow & the Bordello gang, Dr. Sigmund Zoid & Sluggo, Mr. Lobo, Dr. Lady & The Usual Suspects, Lord Blood-Rah, and Misty Brew. Enjoy the shows and thanks for hanging out!

CHRISTMAS DADDY will make all your Christmas wishes come true!

Christmas is little more than a month away, and that means our very own bearer of Yuletide gifts CHRISTMAS DADDY will be coming to The Vortexx soon to make your Christmas wishes come true. A new slack module . . . a membership in the Puppy of the Month Club . . . a Dr Lady action figure . . . a singing Sluggo plushie that also does lap dances. . . . Those are just a few of the wonderful gifts that Christmas Daddy has given to our viewers in years past. Whatever your wish may be this year, just send an e-mail to Christmas Daddy at The Vortexx North Pole and he'll do his very best to make it happen. You can reach Christmas Daddy at christmasdaddy@horrorhost.net

BEWARE THEATER presents Ed Wood's PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)

Sunday (12/4). 9:00 P.M. (ET) BEWARE THEATER with Arachna of the Spider People presents another gem from the golden age of black-and-white -- Ed Wood's PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959). A couple of pompous aliens in silk pajamas (Dudley Manlove and Joanna Lee) and their leader The Ruler (Bunny Breckinridge) plan to resurrect Bela Lugosi, Vampira, and Tor Johnson as slow moving zombies. Why? Because all you of Earth are idiots, that's why! Bela died shortly before shooting began, so Ed used some footage he had of Bela, wrote a script around it, and persuaded his wife's chiropractor (Tom Mason) to shoot the rest of the scenes with a cape hiding his face. Did he really think no one would notice? We're sure Arachna is going to have a lot of fun with this post-Thanksgiving turkey!

MOVIE HOUSE HOT TAKE presents SHUT IN (2016)

Please Note: Arachna's show will be preceded by a MOVIE HOUSE HOT TAKE with Ron Purtee. Tonight Ron takes a few moments to talk about the Canadian-made thriller SHUT IN (2016) starring Naomi Watts.

RIGGOR MORTISS PRESENTS presents Mario Bava's THE MASK OF SATAN (1960)

Monday (12/5). 9:00 P.M. (ET) RIGGOR MORTISS PRESENTS with Riggor and Nyte Angel presents Mario Bava's THE MASK OF SATAN (1960). Scream queen Barbara Steele plays a dual role as a vengeful witch who returns from the grave and the beautiful descendant whose body she wants to possess. On a personal note, Riggor is suffering from a cancerous tumor and needs help paying his medical bills. We hope that all who enjoy tonight's episode of Riggor Mortiss Presents will show their appreciation for this great host and this great show by making a donation to Riggor's GoFundMe page. No donation is too small!

BORDELLO OF HORROR presents DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974)

Tuesday (12/6). 9:00 P.M. (ET) BORDELLO OF HORROR presents DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974). Five psycho kids escape from a mental hospital and proceed to terrorize and kill a group of adults on a winter vacation at a remote mountain ski lodge. Hammers, axes, chains, and even a piranha and a snowman are all involved in the carnage. Boss Hogg (Sorrell Booke) plays one of the adults; former child actor Leif Garrett is one of the psycho kids. This is Mistress Malicious's debut show, folks, so don't miss it! In addition to the movie, Freakshow will be presenting musical guest DR.CHUD's X-Ward, a movie review by Mark The Movie Maniac from The Final Cut, and more!

ALTERNATIVE REALITIES presents WAR OF THE MONSTERS (1966)

Wednesday (12/7). 9:00 P.M. (ET) Thanksgiving may be officially over but were bringing it back tonight with the ALTERNATIVE REALITIES THANKSGIVING SHOW! Tonight Dr. Zoid and Sluggo are hosting WAR OF THE MONSTERS (1966) aka Gamera vs. Barugon, which first aired in The Vortexx as a special Thanksgiving episode on November 29, 2013. Gamera the Flying Turtle goes mano a mano against Barugon, the Demon Dog from Hell, in this second entry in the popular Gamera series. Needless to say, Tokyo takes its usual beating before Gamera finally saves the day.

CINEMA INSOMNIA WITH MR. LOBO presents Dario Argento's DEEP RED (1975)

Thursday (12/8). 9:00 P.M. (ET) CINEMA INSOMNIA WITH MR. LOBO presents Dario Argento's DEEP RED (1975). This stylish and imaginative shocker by the master of Italian horror was released a year before Suspiria. David Hemmings stars as an Englishman in Rome who witnesses a murder and then teams up with a feisty reporter to find the killer. He finds many of his avenues of inquiry cut off by new murders and begins to wonder how the murderer can track his movements so closely.

THE LATE DR. LADY SHOW presents Michael Winner's THE SENTINEL (1977)

Friday (12/9). 9:00 P.M. (ET) THE LATE DR. LADY SHOW with Dr. Lady and the Usual Suspects returns to The Vortexx to present Michael Winner's THE SENTINEL (1977). John Carradine plays a mute priest who guards the gates of Hell in this supernatural thriller, which also stars Chris (Fright Night) Sarandon, Cristina Raines, and Burgess Meredith. An all-star supporting cast includes Martin (Psycho) Balsam, Tom Berenger, Beverly D'Angelo, Richard Dreyfuss, Jose Ferrer, Ava Gardner, Jeff Goldblum, Arthur Kennedy, Jerry Orbach, Eli Wallach, and Christopher Walken. This movie generated some controversy when it was discovered that Winner had used real human oddities to play the misshapen characters in the memorable concluding scene.

LORD BLOOD-RAH'S NERVE WRACKIN' THEATRE presents ATTACK FROM SPACE (1964)

Saturday (12/10). 9:00 P.M. (ET) LORD BLOOD-RAH'S NERVE WRACKIN' THEATRE presents ATTACK FROM SPACE (1964). Paunchy superhero Starman must once again rescue the Earth -- this time from an invasion by an evil alien race called the Spherions. Dubbed and re-edited from the Super Giant featurettes of the late 1950s, this is an entertaining Japanese cheese fest with many unintended laughs. And we can depend on Lord Blood-Rah to liven things up with movie trailers, trivia, and other cool stuff, including we hope a cranial cavity search.

MISTY BREW'S CREATURE FEATURE presents The Vortexx premiere of Arthur Conan Doyle's THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1939)

Sunday (12/11). 9:00 P.M. (ET) MISTY BREW'S CREATURE FEATURE presents The Vortexx premiere of Arthur Conan Doyle's THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1939). The game is afoot tonight as Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce star in the first (and arguably the best) of the fourteen movies that they would make together as Sherlock Holmes and his bumbling sidekick Dr. Watson between 1939 and 1946. Richard Greene (who received top billing when the movie was released) co-stars as Sir Henry Baskerville, the heir to the cursed Baskerville estate. Cast members under suspicion include horror veterans Lionel Atwill as Dr. James Mortimer and John Carradine as Barryman the butler. Misty's show will be preceded by a MOVIE HOUSE HOT TAKE with Ron Purtee. Tonight Ron takes a few moments to talk about Kevin Smith's new horror-comedy YOGA HOSERS (2016).













SLUGGO!!! OUR DEAR LEADER AND FREELY RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE VORTEXX!!!

Posted by Alan Smithee in HOSTED HORROR, 0 comments
HISTORY OF HORROR: SEPTEMBER

HISTORY OF HORROR: SEPTEMBER

By Woofer McWooferson

Join House of Tortured Souls as we celebrate significant dates in the history of horror in September. Click on thumbnails for full images.

September 1 - 7


09/01/1939 – The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) released
theatrically

Poster The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) Copyright RKO Radio Pictures


Poster Universal Pictures

09/02/1923 – The Hunchback of Notre Dame released
theatrically


09/02/1978 – Dawn of the Dead released
theatrically

Fair use doctrine.


Image credit erinc salor

09/05/1942 – Werner Herzog (director of Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht) born


09/06/1879 – Max Schreck (actor who portrayed Count Orlok in Nosferatu) born

Public domain


Image Universal Pictures

09/06/1925 – The Phantom of the Opera (1925) released theatrically


09/07/1940 – Dario Argento (director, producer, and screenwriter of Suspira and other horror films) born

Photo by Ian Gavan - © 2012 Getty Images - Image courtesy gettyimages.com


Photo by Bobby Bank - © 2010 Bobby Bank - Image courtesy gettyimages.com

09/07/1954 – Doug Bradley (best known as Pinhead in the Hellraiser film series) born


09/07/2004 – Silent Hill 4: The Room released on the PlayStation, Xbox, and PC in North America

Image Konami

September 8 - 14


Fair use doctrine.

09/08/1990 – Bride of Re-Animator released theatrically


09/09/1954 – Jeffrey Combs (actor in many horror films) born

© Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved.


Fair use doctrine.

09/09/1997 – Cube released theatrically


09/09/2004 – Resident Evil Outbreak File #2 released for the PlayStation 2 in Japan

Image Capcom


Copyright 2005 Sony Pictures

09/09/2005 – The Exorcism of Emily Rose released theatrically


09/10/1993 – The X-Files premieres on television

Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/10/2004 – Resident Evil: Apocalypse released theatrically


09/11/1987 – Hellraiser released theatrically

Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/11/1992 – Candyman released theatrically


09/12/1958 – The Blob (1958) released theatrically

Fair use doctrine.


Photo by Apger - © MPTV - Image courtesy mptvimages.com.

09/12/1992 – Anthony Perkins (actor who portrayed Norman Bates in the Psycho films) dies (b. 1932)


09/13/1913 – Paul Wegener (director of The Golem: How He Came Into the World) dies (b. 1874)

Photo by A7A08A39_023.jpg - © Archives du 7e Art/Deutsche Bioscop - Image courtesy photo12.com.


Fair use doctrine.

09/13/1991 – Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare released theatrically


09/13/2005 – Supernatural premieres on television

Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/14/1960 – The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) released theatrically

September 15 - 21


09/15/1974 – The Ghost Galleon released theatrically



© Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved.

09/16/1963 – The Outer Limits premiered on television


09/16/2002 – Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance released on the Game Boy Advance in the US

Box art. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/16/2005 – Cry_Wolf released theatrically


09/17/2004 – Silent Hill 4: The Room released on the PlayStation, Xbox, and PC in Europe

Image: Konami.


Fair use doctrine.

09/17/2004 – Resident Evil Outbreak released on the PlayStation 2 in Europe


09/18/1963 – The Haunting (1963) released theatrically

Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/18/1998 – The Dentist 2: Brace Yourself released theatrically


09/20/1940 – The Mummy’s Hand released theatrically

Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/20/1975 – Asia Argento (actress in many horror films, daughter of Dario Argento and Daria Nicolodi) born


09/21/1947 – Stephen King born

Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/21/1984 – The Company of Wolves released theatrically in the UK

September 22 - 28


09/22/1986 – Castlevania released for the Nintendo Entertainment System

Box art. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/22/1995 – Se7en released theatrically


09/22/1999 – Resident Evil 3: Nemesis released for the PlayStation in Japan

Box art. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/23/1988 – Dead Ringers released theatrically


09/24/2001 – Silent Hill 2 released on the PlayStation, Xbox, and PC in the US

Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/24/2002 – Vampires: Los Muertos released on video in the US


09/24/2004 – Shaun of the Dead released theatrically in the US

Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/25/1959 – The Mummy (1959) released theatrically


09/25/1994 – Alone in the Dark 2 released on PC

Box art. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/25/1998 – Urban Legend released theatrically


09/26/1962 – Carnival of Souls released theatrically

Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/26/1970 – Sheri Moon (actress in House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, Toolbox Murders) born


09/27/1985 – The New Twilight Zone premiered on television

Fair use doctrine.


Box art. Fair use doctrine.

09/27/2001 – Silent Hill 2 released on the PlayStation, Xbox, and PC in Japan


09/28/1987 – Friday the 13th: The Series premiered on television

Title card. Fair use doctrine.


Fair use doctrine.

09/28/2007 – Moonlight premiered on television


09/29/1955 – The Night of the Hunter released theatrically

Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/29/1995 – Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers released theatrically

September 30


09/30/1984 – Tales from the Darkside premiered on television

Title card. Fair use doctrine.


Movie poster. Fair use doctrine.

09/30/1988 – Elvira, Mistress of the Dark released theatrically


09/30/2005 – Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow released on the Nintendo DS in the European Union

Box art. Fair use doctrine.

Posted by Alan Smithee in HORROR HISTORY, 0 comments
VORTEXX SCHEDULE FOR 11 – 18 SEPTEMBER 2016

VORTEXX SCHEDULE FOR 11 – 18 SEPTEMBER 2016

VORTEXX SCHEDULE FOR
11 – 18 SEPTEMBER 2016

By The Crimson Executioner
&
Woofer McWooferson

The Vortexx Hosts_02

Welcome to THE VORTEXX where it's ALL HOSTS ALL THE TIME FOR SIX YEARS!

Welcome to The Vortexx where it's been ALL HOSTS ALL THE TIME FOR SIX YEARS! We've got another great line-up of shows, hosts, and movies for your viewing and chatting pleasure including THREE indie movies marking their Vortexx debut along with several returning favorites starring Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, and Spider-Gary. Our hosts this week are Arachna of the Spider People & Deadly, Vincent Grimmly, Freakshow & the Bordello gang, Dr. Lady & the Usual Suspects, Bobby Gammonster & Boris the Buzzard with guest host Vincent Grimmly, Mr. Lobo, Lord Blood-Rah, and Misty Brew. Enjoy the shows and thanks for hanging out!

Vortexx-Bride of the Monster-20160911_Beware Theater

Sunday (9/11) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
BEWARE THEATER
presents
The Vortexx premiere of
Ed Wood's BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955)

BEWARE THEATER with Arachna of the Spider People and her friend Deadly presents another gem from the Golden Age of Black-and-White -- Ed Wood's BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955). In his last starring role, an emaciated Bela Lugosi plays an aging mad scientist with a plan to create a race of supermen with the help of Tor Johnson. Bela shows off his acting chops in his memorable "Home, I Have No Home" soliloquy, and the final scene where he wrestles with a rubber octopus must be seen in order to be believed.

vortexx-beast-of-yucca-flats-20160912_night-chills

Monday (9/12) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
NIGHT CHILLS THEATRE
presents
THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)

Join us tonight as NIGHT CHILLS THEATRE with Vincent Grimmly returns to The Vortexx for its second appearance. Vincent and his pet raven Phydeaux will be hosting Coleman (Red Zone Cuba) Francis's masterpiece THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961). Tor Johnson gets to show his acting range, playing a defecting Russian rocket scientist named Joseph Javorsky. Pursued by KGB agents, Javorsky stumbles onto a nuclear testing site in the Nevada wastelands, gets wasted, and becomes . . . you guessed it . . . Tor Johnson! Director Francis, who also narrates, provides plenty of unintended laughs with lines such as "once a brilliant scientist, now just fatty grease for the wheels of progress." Francis, who bears more than a passing resemblance to Curly of The 3 Stooges, also appears briefly as a gas station attendant and as a man buying a newspaper. We're hoping that Vincent's sidekick Phydeaux will be more talkative tonight than he was in last week's episode.

vortexx-monstroid-20160913_bordello

Tuesday (9/13) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
BORDELLO OF HORROR
presents
The Vortexx premiere of
MONSTROID: IT CAME FROM THE LAKE (1980)

BORDELLO OF HORROR with Freakshow, Mistress Malicious, Sgt. Drizzlepuss, Ali Katt, and Marijohuana presents The Vortexx premiere of MONSTROID: IT CAME FROM THE LAKE (1980). This low-budget indie, supposedly based on a true story, is about a rural Colombian village that is attacked by a sea serpent who's been aroused by the industrial pollution of a nearby lake. For an indie it's got a surprising number of "name" actors, including John Carradine playing a local priest who believes the monster is sent by God to punish sinners. Jim Mitchum (the spitting image of his more famous dad), Philip Carey (who played Texas tycoon Asa Buchanan for almost three decades on the popular soap opera One Life to Live), and veteran B-movie actor Anthony Eisley round out the cast. Carradine, whose contempt for this movie can be seen on his scowling face, reportedly said, "This is the worst piece of s--t I've ever worked on and I've worked on a lot of pieces of s--t." In addition to the movie, Freaky will be entertaining us with special musical guests The Malcolmexicans, a movie review by Mark Krawczyk from The Final Cut, and more!

vortexx-suspira-20160914_dr-lady

Wednesday (9/14) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
THE LATE DR. LADY SHOW
presents
Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA (1976)

THE LATE DR. LADY SHOW with Dr David Lady and the Usual Suspects presents Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA (1976). A young girl (Jessica Harper) arrives at a fancy ballet academy run by a coven of witches in this stylish Italian thriller. Joan Bennett and Alida Valli -- both major stars in their heyday -- co-star as the school's directress Madame Blanc and her Nazified assistant Miss Tanner. Cult actor Udo Kier, best known for his lead roles in Andy Warhol's Frankenstein and Andy Warhol's Dracula, appears in a small supporting role. The shocks are plentiful, including a room full of barbed wire and maggots falling from the ceiling. And we guarantee, the sound track by Goblin is the loudest you'll ever hear.

vortexx-horrors-of-spider-island-20160915_monster-movie-night

Thursday (9/15) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
MONSTER MOVIE NIGHT
presents
HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1962)

MONSTER MOVIE NIGHT with Bobby Gammonster, Boris The Buzzard, and special guest host Vincent Grimmly presents a Vortexx favorite -- HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1962). It's about a troupe of beautiful dancers who find themselves stranded on a deserted island with their square-shouldered manager Gary (Alex D'Arcy). Their skinny-dipping routine is disrupted when Gary gets bit by a spider and becomes . . . . Spider-Gary! Oh, the horrors of it all! Vincent appears in tonight's episode, live from Castle Pappdeckel, via Bobby's video scream-o-phone.

vortexx-mark-of-the-damned-20160916_cinema-insomnia

Friday (9/16) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
CINEMA INSOMNIA WITH MR. LOBO
presents
The Vortexx premiere of
MARK OF THE DAMNED (2006)

We're celebrating Halloween early tonight as CINEMA INSOMNIA WITH MR. LOBO presents the first part of a two-part Halloween Special from 2009. Mr. Lobo will be hosting The Vortexx premiere of Eric Miller's MARK OF THE DAMNED (2006). Miller's homegrown Midnight Movie masterpiece was made as an homage to the classic Santo movies such as Santo vs the Vampire Women (1962). It's set in a place called The Amplified World and it's filled with vampires, ghouls, robots, rocket men, masked heroes, and over-the-top villains like The Vampire Queen. In addition to the movie, Mr. Lobo will be spicing up the mix with off-beat humor, vintage TV ads, drive-in movie trailers, retro craziness, and informative interviews on location in Richmond, Virginia, detailing the making of the movie. In addition, there is a hilarious musical cooking segment with November Fire recording artist Slob Zombie and a taste of his hit single "40 Hour Weekend."

vortexx-daughter-of-horror-20160917_lord-blood-rah

Saturday (9/17) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
LORD BLOOD-RAH'S
NERVE WRACKIN' THEATRE

presents
DAUGHTER OF HORROR (1957)

LORD BLOOD-RAH'S NERVE WRACKIN' THEATRE presents DAUGHTER OF HORROR (1957). This "film noir" of a psychotic young woman's nightmarish experiences during one night on skid row was originally released in 1955 as Dementia with no dialogue whatsoever. It was re-released in 1957 with added narration by Johnny Carson's second banana, Ed McMahon. The cast includes Bruno (Fat Dave) VeSota, little person Angelo Rossitto, Jonathan (Seymour Krelborn) Haze, and comedian Shelley Berman. As always there will be plenty of movie trailers and other cool extras along with a Cranial Cavity Search.

vortexx-dark-garden-20160918_misty-brew

Sunday (9/18) @ 9:00 P.M. (ET)
MISTY BREW'S CREATURE FEATURE
presents
The Vortexx premiere of
DARK GARDEN (2004)

MISTY BREW'S CREATURE FEATURE presents The Vortexx premiere of DARK GARDEN (2004), a cool indie film by Patrick Bond. It's a psychological thriller about a downtrodden man named Warren (Kyle Van Pool), who finds himself having to choose between good and evil when he moves into a new house and befriends Harry (J.W. McCrary), who soon recruits Warren to assist him in his wicked ways. In addition to the movie, Misty will be entertaining us with a special interview with Mr. McCrary and previews of Misty's Coming Attractions.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Welcome to The Vortexx where it's ALL HOSTS ALL THE TIME!

The Vortexx - heart"Every day is a good day that ends in The Vortexx." You can find us at horrorhost.net and livestream.com/allhorrorhosts. Remember folks, we're the Gooble Gobble Channel. We accept everyone. And we will keep the doors open as long as you keep coming around! If you're a horror host looking for an additional outlet for your show, email Sluggo at sluggo@horrorhost.net.

The Vortexx - Bloody Pit of Health Fitness Centers

If you don't get the results you're looking for within the eight weeks of the program, The Azure Executioner guarantees that he will personally throw you into his exclusive vat of acid!
Introducing our newest sponsor -- Bloody Pit of Health! Want to eliminate those things that interfere with the harmony of your perfect body? The Bloody Pit has all the latest fitness equipment -- weight room, Olympic-sized pool, and even a spider room. To find the location nearest you, visit their website www.clubdesade.com

The Vortexx - Mummy Fart

Available in three convenient sizes!
Mummy Fart! The perfect product to get those pleasant smells out of your tomb. Available in three convenient sizes!

The Vortexx - Kurt Pasakivi's Used Car Emporium

If you're interested, just e-mail us for Kurt's current location.
Kurt Pasakivi's Used Car Emporium! At Kurt's Emporium you can buy the car of your dreams for a deep discount. If you see a car on the street that you like, just send Kurt a photo of the car and the license plate, and he'll negotiate with the owner and sell it to you at a steal!

The Vortexx - Executioner's Ale

The Official Beers of The Vortexx!
Executioner's Ale! A bloody good red ale crafted in the torture chamber of the Crimson Executioner. Sock Stout! The sock with the hops. A thick and creamy head just for you. [Sock Stout is a trademark of Raen, used with permission.]

The Vortexx - Amazon Andy

Amazon Andy is the creation of Nick Polotta, a very gifted writer and comedian who, sadly, passed away on April 13, 2013.

Totino's Pizza Rolls, Crimson Royal Jelly, and Amazon Andy's Southern Fried Tarantula Legs! The original sponsors of The Vortexx!

The Vortexx Skull Cornbread

The Official Food of The Vortexx!
Skull Cornbread! The official food of The Vortexx, served piping hot from the oven of the Crimson Executioner.

The Vortexx - Chia Host

BORDELLO OF HORROR with Freakshow airs Tuesday at 9 (ET)

Chia Host! The latest sensation from Mushnick Florists. You can see him every Tuesday night in The Vortexx!

The Vortexx - Chilly Dilly

Two delicious pickle treats!

Chilly Dilly! A delicious pickle treat that's spiced just right for every bite. And now you can "pucker up" with the all-new Chilly Dilly Lip Balm!

The Vortexx - Egg Bleach

Jason "Egg" Brown was an integral part of The Vortexx as a staff member and long-time viewer until his passing on June 27, 2016. Jason may have departed this Earth, but he will live forever in The Vortexx.

"Now that's a product I can really GET BEHIND!" -- Egg.

Egg Bleach! The all-purpose antiseptic for treatment of cuts, scratches, and abrasions. And now you can touch up those "intimate" parts of your body with the all-new Egg Anal Bleach!

The Vortexx - President Sluggo

SLUGGO!!! OUR DEAR LEADER AND FREELY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE VORTEXX!!!

Posted by Alan Smithee in HOSTED HORROR, 0 comments
DEMONS 3D?!

DEMONS 3D?!

By Amy Mead

Demons Metropol

 Demons 3D?!  Are we headed back to The Metropol? Well, much to the excitement of many horror fans, rumors of a remake of the classic Italian horror film, Demons have recently begun to surface. It seems as though the films original creators are discussing it. And not just a remake, but a remake in 3D at that. 

Argento.  Bava.  Stivaletti.  If you are an Italian horror fan like myself, these are names you've heard before and in all likelihood, have come to know and love. Since the rumors began, many fans seem to be of the mind that at least it's the original team taking on the project and that they are all for it. I am not so sure. I cannot wrap my head around Demons 3D. Like at all. 

I was literally stunned into silence when I saw the headline pop up in my newsfeed last night. To put it simply, I was devastated. And when I was finally able to pick my jaw up of the floor, I also had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I know that sounds extreme, but those of you out there that know me, are well aware of how hard I nerd out when it comes to this film (and its sequel, Demons 2) and that it truly is one of my favorite films of all time. I love it so much that I have not one, but two tattoos to honor it. I am a dedicated fan and while it may seem like no big deal to most fans, (most likely due to the overwhelming amount of remakes that have become so common these days) I find it somewhat disheartening that the creators themselves feel as though this classic needs to be remade. Or that it can possibly be improved upon. Do they not see what a masterpiece it is? 

Suffice it to say that I do not share what seems to be the popular opinion about the potential remake. I for one, am less than enthusiastic about one of my all time favorite films being remade. Especially in 3D, man. Demons 3D? Can you imagine it? All I can see is what were once awesomely over the top practical effects getting drastically cheesed out and undersold with bad CGI and hokey 3D effects. UGH. Visions of cheap jump scares relying heavily on the 3D aspect are literally dancing in my head as I write this. And it bums me out hard. My son on the other hand is all for it and thinks it will be amazing, much like many of you out there seem to. 

I wish I could be as optimistic as the rest of you but I have seen the last few Argento films. They aren't good, and any true Argento fan knows it. Dracula 3D was so awful, not even a seasoned veteran such as Rutger Hauer or a topless Asia Argento could save it.  I am a HUGE fan of the man's work, but sadly, the revered maestro  has lost his touch and his last few offerings have left much to be desired.

Should this rumored Demons 3D project actually come to fruition, my only hope is that it will maybe garner a new audience for the many of the old school Italian horror films that so many of us love. The Italian horror sub-genre deserves wider recognition and respect so while I am not looking forward to remake, I am hopeful that it will possibly spark a renewed interest these forgotten treasures, as they truly are some of the best horror films out there. 

I've never really been a remake snob but I do feel that there are some films that simply just don't need to be remade, re-imagined or regurgitated.  For me personally, Lamberto Bava's Demons is one of those films. It's timeless, it's a classic, and it's a film that should stand alone. It does not need improvement by any stretch of the imagination.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

 

Posted by Alan Smithee in EDITORIALS, HORROR NEWS, 1 comment
DOC REVIEW: Boogeymen 2: Masters of Horror

DOC REVIEW: Boogeymen 2: Masters of Horror

Boogeyman 2: Masters of Horror

By Woofer McWooferson

Boogeymen 2-1

 

Director: Mike Mendez, Dave Parker; Writers: Curtis Bowden, Mike Mendez, Dave Parker, Gary Shenk; Stars: Dario Argento, Bruce Campbell, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Guillermo del Toro, Tobe Hooper, John Landis, George A. Romero; Rating: U; Run Time: 90 min; Genre: Documentary; Country: USA; Language: English; Year: 2002

“Their movies gave you nightmares. Now the most diabolical minds in horror are coming together in the ultimate Halloween horror special – Masters of Horror.”

The 2002 documentary Boogeymen 2: Masters of Horror is hosted by Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.) and features some of the greatest names in horror movies, from Dario Argento to Guillermo del Toro. Divided into three parts, it asks the great questions all horror fans have:

Part 1: Why Do We Like to be Scared?
Part 2: What Scares Us?
Part 3: (Where Do They Get Their Ideas?)

Parts one and two are rather brief and hop from director to director as each answers why we like to be scared and what scares us. As to why we like to be scared, answers range from “why do some people like to ride roller coasters” to “preparation for our own deaths” and all are equally valid since why we like to be scared is as unique as each of us. When it comes to what scares us, however, most of our fears are the same, from death (of self or loved ones) to the dark (or what lies in it), and this is the bread and butter of these directors.

Wes Craven

Wes Craven

Part three, however, is much longer and divided into six sections with each section focusing on one director. These sections and the featured directors are:

The Reality of Horror (Wes Craven)
The Horror of Innocence (Guillermo del Toro)
The Rebel of Horror (John Carpenter)
The Horror of Society (George A. Romero)
Transforming Horror (John Landis & Rick Baker)
The Beauty of Horror (Dario Argento)
Living the Horror (Tobe Hooper)

Highlights of the documentary include:

• Craven discussing the making of The Serpent and the Rainbow and how The Last House on the Left managed an R rating.

• del Toro recounting his introduction to the supernatural while still in his crib, the influence of Universal monster movies on him, and how he established a special effects company in order to create Cronos.

• Carpenter talking about the change in audience sensibilities and the effect it had on the horror industry in the 70s and 80s.

• Romero revealing his fear of being typecast and his eventual return to the dead films.

• Landis and Rick Baker explaining how they created Schlock and why An American Werewolf in London is a watershed film in special effects work.

• Argento discussing his films as works of art where each shot is framed for both beauty and horror.

• Hooper recounting the horrors behind the scenes of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, including the effects that the gruelling shot had on the cast and crew.

Tobe Hooper

Tobe Hooper

Boogeymen 2: Masters of Horror also includes commentary from Gunnar Hanson, Tom Savini, and KNB Effects and is full of clips from the movies being discussed as well as movies that exemplify the topics being described.

Is this for everyone? No, but it is damn good fun and a must for horror lovers.

7/10 claws

Posted by Alan Smithee in DOCUMENTARY REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
Synapse Films Restores Dario Argento’s Tenebre

Synapse Films Restores Dario Argento’s Tenebre

By Amy Mead

Steven J. Bejma's Tenebre Poster

Recently, on October 22nd, I was privileged enough to take part in a one night only screening of the most recent remaster effort by the geniuses over at Synapse Films, Dario Argento's Tenebre. The bonus features are still being worked on and the finished product is expected to be released on Blu-ray in the early part of 2016.

Every time I watch a new Synapse remaster, I am blown away and it was no different with Tenebre. It was truly stunning. I was seriously taken aback by how good it looked and I am chomping at the bit to see what the bonus features might have in store for us.

I was so taken with the quality and clarity of Tenebre that when I got home from the screening that night, I had to throw in my old copy to see the difference and I was absolutely floored. I don't know how these guys do it. Talk about talent and skill!! I have seen several of of the Synapse Film remaster efforts and I love them all. But this one? It is simply breathtaking. You really have to see it to believe it.

Synapse Films also has plans to restore two other Dario Argento films, Phenomena (aka Creepers) and Suspiria and I am beside myself with anticipation after seeing what they've done with Tenebre. I am now extremely eager to see what they do with these films. We will of course keep you up to date with the progress on those films and will share any updates as soon as we are made aware of them.

In addition to the screening there was an announcement made by The Flint Horror Collective's Chris Ringler about the fate of the Flint Horror Con. Sadly, it is no more. HOWEVER, there will be new event taking place in 2016 called The Monster Marketplace and it will be a great place for Michigan area horror fans to find all sorts of one of a kind horror creations from many local, independent artists and vendors. Rumor has it there may even be a celebrity or two, so stay tuned for info on that.

Many thanks to Synapse Films, The Flint Horror Collective, Mott Community College, and Black and Gold Film Productions for making this one night only event a reality for us. I am thrilled to have been able to show my support and participate in an event such as this and honestly cannot thank them all enough for this experience. It's not too often cool stuff happens on the horror front in Michigan. It was truly an honor and a privilege. Anyone who did not attend this event and had the means should be kicking themselves right now. Hard.

I give this remaster a 10/10 Psychotic American authors.

Posted by Alan Smithee in MOVIE REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
HALLOWEEN HORRORS: Suspiria (1977)

HALLOWEEN HORRORS: Suspiria (1977)

SUSPIRIA

The Blue Iris Will Be The Death Of You

By Amy Mead

Suzy's arrival at the academy

Directed by Dario Argento
Written by Dario Argento and Daria Nicolodi
Starring: Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Joan Bennet, Barbara Magnolfi, Alida Valli and Udo Kier
and featuring a soundtrack by Goblin

If you call yourself a horror fan and have not seen the classic horror film Suspiria, I'd like to ask you what rock you've been living under and revoke your card immediately.

Suspiria is the first of the "Three Mothers" trilogy and while it is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, it is a film that I consider a requisite one to watch if you are indeed a true fan of horror. I myself am a HUGE fan of this film (and Dario Argento's work in general) but even if weren't, the cinematography and the soundtrack alone make the film worth watching. Suspiria truly is a technicolor dream come true.

There's a reason this film was, and still is considered some of Argento's best work. Though the trailer does not do the true vibrancy of the colors in the film any justice, it truly is a breathtaking sight that lends itself to the overall sense of creepiness and fear that is Suspiria. It is a nightmare brought to terrifying life. And the soundtrack? It's fucking unbelievable. The collaboration between Argento and Goblin in its creation is goddamn mind blowing and is synonymous with terror for many fans around the world.

Here's a brief rundown of the film: New student to prestigious Ballet school in Germany, Suzy Bannion, is an innocent and fresh faced young girl from America. She arrives at the school in the middle of a storm and right from the jump, things seem questionable. As she approaches the academy, she sees another girl fleeing the school, shouting over the wind and looking terrified. Suzy cannot gain access to the academy and is forced to spend the night in town.

Suzy's arrival at the academy

Soon after her arrival the next day, one strange thing after another begins to happen. At her first lesson, Suzy becomes ill and nearly faints after a weird run in with the cook. She is then "prescribed" a glass of wine with dinner every night (and let me tell you, this wine is some the nastiest wine I've ever fucking seen).

Shortly thereafter while preparing for dinner, the ceiling rains maggots upon all the girls, which is quickly explained away by rotten crates of food that were stored in the attic but it seems like something far more ominous (and disgusting) to Suzy and her friends. They are forced to sleep in the practice hall while the maggots are cleaned up and one of the girls hears and sees something she shouldn't have and soon after disappears.

Amidst a series of violent deaths and what appear to be sudden vanishings within the academy, Suzy soon become suspicious that there is something sinister behind it all. After her friend mysteriously "leaves" without warning, she begins to do some sleuthing on her own and she discovers that the academy was started by a suspected witch while talking to an acquaintance.

Suzy's discovery

She then has a series of flashbacks about the things the first victim was shouting over the wind and rain on the night she arrived. She recalls the girl shouting something about a secret and turning the blue Iris and she goes investigating, looking for it. She finds the Iris, turns it and a secret door opens, revealing the coven's secret lair. It damn near costs her her life. She hears the coven plotting her demise as she moves to another room. Here she discovers the coven's queen and is forced to kill her. Suzy narrowly escapes with her life as the academy begins to crumble from within and is seen bursting into flames...

As I stated earlier, Suspiria is not for everyone but it is definitely for me. There are many different reason I love this film. The first being that like many others, I consider it to be a freaking visual masterpiece and it still creeps me out to this day. Dark arts, witches and curses are kinda a phobia of sorts for me (be careful who you piss off!!).

The other is purely sentimental in that it gives me very fond memories of my younger brother, Clayton, who passed away eight years ago. I was the one that showed him his first Argento film and Suspiria scared the living shit out of that kid when he was just ten years old. That showing grew into a massive, mutual love of Argento and his body of work for both of us, but especially for my him. He was an even bigger fan than I am. Clayton's birthday was on Halloween, so watching it is a great way for me to remember and honor him now that he is gone.

If you have not yet seen, Suspiria (is this even possible?) I urge you to do so and see this technicolor masterpiece for yourself. Like right now. It is a must see and there's no better time for witches than the Halloween season and if you love it like I do, I recommend follow it up with Inferno and The Mother of Tears and complete the "The Three Mothers" trilogy!

I rate Suspiria 3/3 Mothers

Posted by Alan Smithee in MOVIE REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 2 comments
ONE NIGHT ONLY: Dario Argento’s Tenebre Restored

ONE NIGHT ONLY: Dario Argento’s Tenebre Restored

The Flint Horror Collective Presents: Synapse Films' Restored Dario Argento Masterpiece Tenebre

By Amy Mead

Michigan fans of Dario Argento's Tenebre will be thrilled to know that on Thursday, October 22, 2016, at Flint area's Mott Community College, there will be a one night only FREE screening of the remaster Synapse Films is currently working on, presented by The Flint Horror Collective (aka Flint Horror Con).

Synapse Films Black Logo

Though the film is still a couple of months away from its official release, (the film restoration has been completed but the bonus features and final presentation of the disc are still a work in progress) Synapse Films was gracious enough to entrust their project with the Flint Horror Collective and let them show the fans what they have done with the film in this exclusive one time event.

Tenebre is considered one of Argento's top films, and has long been thought of as a prime examples of the classic Italian giallo. Tenebre is a tense mystery that plenty of gore and a killer soundtrack by the one and only Goblin. Tenebre is one of the favorites among many giallo fans and this is a one night only opportunity that really should not be missed.

Flint Horror Con logo

When speaking with Chris Ringler with The Flint Horror Collective about this amazing free event, he had this to say:

"The film will be played from a Blu-ray, which will show how much work Synapse has done on the film. The film is still a few months from release so this is a huge honor for us to have Synapse trust us with the film and to allow us to show it before anyone else sees it.

The Flint Horror Collective will also be making a big announcement before the screening. We have been able to do the show thanks to Mott Community College and the support of the Black and Gold Film Club, who will be accepting donations for their programs. The Flint Horror Collective will also accept donations if anyone wants to help us keep creating fun and low cost events in the future.

We will also have a limited number of prints of Steven J Bejma's awesome TENEBRE poster for sale at the event for $5.

Steven J. Bejma's Tenebre Poster

Any money we can raise from this Free event will go back into our ghoulish coffers so we can continue to do more shows in the future.

Prints are 11"x17" on thick cardstock."

If you are an Argento fan and live anywhere near the area, there is absolutely no reason to miss this event. Not only is the screening a huge opportunity, it is absolutely free. So is parking, but for an awesome Halloween gift such as this, be sure to make a donation to let The Flint Horror Collective just how appreciative you are.

I, myself, plan on being in attendance and personally cannot freaking wait to see what Synapse has done with one of my favorite Argento films. Talk about a great way to celebrate the Halloween season. There's no way I would miss this. I have been eager to see this since Synapse first announced their plans to take on several of Argen,to's films and I have been looking forward to this event for weeks!

Let's show Synapse and Flint Horror Collective what we're made of and show some support for this event so that they can keep having them! Hope to see you there!

For everything you need to know on this exclusive, one time event, click here.

Posted by Alan Smithee in HORROR NEWS, 0 comments
STEELBOOK REVIEWS: Demons (1985) and Demons 2 (1986)

STEELBOOK REVIEWS: Demons (1985) and Demons 2 (1986)

Synapse Films Nails It With Demons and Demons 2 Steelbooks

Review of Limited Edition Synapse Film
Steelbook Releases
Demons (1985) and Demons 2 (1986)

By Amy Lynes

Demoni 1 and 2 Synapse

Having been a longtime fan of both, Demons and Demons 2, I quickly went into hardcore fangirl mode when I heard about the pending release of their limited edition steelbooks from Synapse Films. From the pictures alone they looked absolutely stunning. I knew immediately that I had to have them. Not only based on the previous transfer and restoration work I had seen come from the talented folks at Synapse Films (and what they did with films such as Prom Night, Curtains, and Basket Case 2), but also because these films have seriously been among my favorites for YEARS. I love them.

Synapse-Films-LOGO

Not long after their release, I called Jerry Chandler (of Synapse Films) directly, and ordered one of each film. A few days later, they at long last arrived. I couldn't wait to tear into the box and lay my eyes on them. And when I finally did? They were totally worth the long, agonizing wait. They literally took my breath away. The outside artwork is incredible. I almost didn't want to unwrap them and have them as display only, they were that beautiful.

Very carefully, I removed the cellophane and opened the first film, Demons. When I opened it up, I found a replica of the Metropol theater ticket and more artwork on the inside of cover (of an image I absolutely love - I had gotten the exact image tattooed on my shoulder about two years prior) and a DVD copy of the film as well as the Blu-ray. I popped in the Blu-ray and kicked back to take it all in. I sat there speechless for the entirely of the film. The colors, the sound, everything about it was breathtaking and I was seriously over the moon that I had decided to make this purchase.

Synapse Demons Steelbook

After the credits rolled, I started in on all the bonus features. In addition to the ticket replica, there are plenty more. If you are a fan of Italian horror and names like Lamberto Bava, Dario Argento, Octavio Dell'Acqua and Luigi Cozzi, then you really need to see/own this Synapse release. The interviews are very informative and are a must see for the diehard fans. There is also audio commentary with director Lamberto Bava, actress Geretta Geretta, Claudio Simonetti, and SFX make up artist Sergio Stivaletti.

A few days later, I finally got the chance to open up and inspect the Demons 2 steelbook and It's pretty much more of the same awesomeness and badassery. There is a replica of Angela's birthday party invitation and more fantastic artwork on the inside cover, as well as a Blu-ray and DVD copy of the film. I started the Blu-ray, got comfortable and once again, the sound, the color, and clarity were all truly amazing. I was glued to the TV until the credits ran.

Synapse Demons 2 Steelbook

Of course, I also had to check out the bonus features and they are once again a treasure trove for Italian horror fans, complete with English and Italian soundtracks, the original theatrical trailer, and interviews with Lamberto Bava, Roy Bava, Sergio Stivaletti, Federico Zampaglione and Soundtrack Composer Simon Boswell. And like all the interviews in the Demons steelbook, they are a must see for the diehards.

Overall, I couldn't be happier with what Synapse has given us with these steelbook releases and I am extremely happy that I was able to get my hands them, especially since they are limited to 3,000 each. I'm telling you, if you are an extreme fan of these films like me, these are pieces you have to have in your collection and proudly display.

Earlier in 2015, I discovered that Synapse had also taken on the restoration of three Dario Argento films, Suspiria, Tenebrae, and Phenomena (aka Creepers). Because of what Synapse has done with Demons and Demons 2, I am eager to see what they do with these classics from one of my all-time favorite directors.

I highly recommend these and I give them both a solid rating of 10/10.

Posted by Alan Smithee in IN THE SPOTLIGHT, PRODUCT REVIEWS, REVIEWS, STAFF PICKS, 0 comments
TRIBUTE: Lucio Fulci: The Godfather of Gore

TRIBUTE: Lucio Fulci: The Godfather of Gore

By Amy Lynes

Master of the Macabre
There aren't many people that I idolize but Lucio Fulci is definitely one of them, and he's number one on my list.

I was seventeen and home alone when I watched my first Lucio Fulci film. It was The House By The Cemetery, and watching it alone was a big mistake. HUGE! I sat there for the next hour and a half mesmerized by what was unfolding on the screen in front of me, even though my heart was racing, I was scared out of my mind, and all alone in an old, creepy ass (haunted) house.

Never before had I seen so much blood and gore! I was excited, terrified and repulsed all at the same time. As soon as it ended, I instantly rewound it (yes, it was on VHS) and watched it again. I would watch this wonderfully intense and graphic film three more time before eventually returning it to the video store.

I wanted to see more of this man's work and soon began renting all the films I could get my eager hands on. Zombie (aka Zombi 2) came next and, once again, I was blown away. There were scenes where I actually found myself holding my breath, squirming in my seat and clenching my hands so tightly that my muscles hurt. The famous eyeball puncturing scene was incredibly hard to watch but at the same time I couldn't make myself look away (and found that I didn't really want to anyway). I absolutely loved the way the zombies looked, how it seemed as though they were crumbling right before my eyes, squirming with maggots and missing eyes and appendages. It was fantastic! Still to this day, I prefer the slow gait, movement and organic look of Fulci's zombies, as opposed to the fast movers of today's modern zombie films. There was (and still is) something inherently creepy about the way they shamble so goddamn slowly and cannot be deterred nor distracted. They just keep on coming for you. And the infamous 'Shark vs. Zombie' scene? Once again, I was blown away. I sat there, completely mystified by the skill and imagination that must have gone into the making of that awe inspiring scene. Hell, even all these years later, I still am.

House by the cemetery

I was now completely hooked on this man's amazing talent and there was no going back for me; I just couldn't get enough and I simply HAD to see more. I had to find out everything I could about this director who could bring such vision to the screen while simultaneously scaring the living shit out of me so effectively and see as many of his films as possible.

Next up was The Beyond (aka Seven Doors of Death) which was strong in vivid imagery and unbelievably creepy. I couldn't get it out of my head for days and to this very day, it is still one of my all time favorite horror films. My copy gets watched often, several times a year, and I still get creeped out. Every time.

Then there was The Gates of Hell (aka City of the Living Dead) with the famous drill through the head scene, and the vomiting up of one's intestines and I delighted in the grossness of it, even though it made me retch.

Next up was Demonia, in which a man was quartered. I was horrified but I was also really beginning to like all the gore. It was all so shocking to me, but I seriously just could not get enough. I was addicted to how these movies made me feel, and what they sparked in me.

City drill scene

I soon fell in love with Fulci's ability to use gore to the fullest extent, without it being the primary focus of his films. He had the ability to scare the hell out of me without overwhelming me with the gore, and I was all about it. The excitement became a sort of drug for me, and I became addicted to the adrenaline rush I invariably got from his films.

My parents, however, were less than thrilled with my choice in movies and the only one I could ever get Dad to watch with me was The Psychic. He just couldn't handle the gore Fulci was famous for. I, however, was growing to love it more and more with each film. Years later, I would pass that love on to my brother Clayton, and he eventually ended up just as addicted as I was.

Because I could find so few of his movies and having become utterly obsessed with his work, I tried doing some investigative work to find out all I could about this genius director that I was quickly coming to love. Sadly, this was before the Internet and the libraries had very little to offer, so there wasn't much I could find. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered Netflix and began using the Internet that I was able to get my hands on a number of films that I had only heard about – and even some that I had no clue existed. My first few months on Netflix were exciting ones; I had found hidden horror treasure. The Mother Lode.

Because I was so enamored with Fulci's films, I also then began seeking out films by people who had either inspired Fulci, or had been inspired by him - Mario and Lamberto Bava and Dario Argento. This would also eventually lead to some other obsessions of mine, Argento films and Italian horror in general. But Fulci would always be my favorite.

Fulci has done everything from horror to musicals and even some Spaghetti Westerns and comedies. He was responsible for sixty films and one hundred and twenty scripts. In addition to film making, Fulci also wrote two books Fulci Breaks The Looking Glass and My Lovely Monsters which, sadly, will probably never be translated into English.

Fulci's career hit a high point in 1971-72 with his two Giallos, A Lizard in a Woman's Skin and Don't Torture a Duckling which were both extremely controversial. However, he was briefly blacklisted after Don't Torture a Duckling because it painted an extremely vivid picture of perversity in Catholicism. He was also hauled into court and charged with cruelty to animals due to the very graphic depiction of dogs being mutilated in A Lizard in a Woman's Skin and actually had to show the judge the puppets they used and how they worked before being cleared of the charge.

Fulci Gore

It has been said that the films he made from 1979-83 were some of the most violent ever made. It is really no coincidence that the eighties were his most popular time in America. Sadly, in spite of that, he was never fully given the recognition he deserved. The horror world truly suffered a major loss with his untimely death in 1996.

It saddens me that there will never be another new Fulci film, but for this girl, this master of the macabre will always live on, both in his work, and in the work of many others.

For a complete list of Lucio Fulci's work, check out his IMDB page.

Posted by Alan Smithee in EDITORIALS, HORROR HEROES, 0 comments

MOVIE REVIEW: Dracula 3-D (2012)

By Nick Durham

dracula3d

What the hell happened to Dario Argento?

I know this topic has been covered so many times before that it's grown redundant as fuck, but seriously, what happened? So many of his films have resonated with me over the years since I'd first seen them, from Suspiria to Phenomena to Inferno to Tenebrae; his body of work has meant a lot to me personally. That's why it kills me to see Dracula 3-D, because watching this cinematic abortion is the equivalent of seeing Argento's career die a slow and agonizing death. I thought Giallo and Do You Like Hitchcock? were bad...but Dracula 3D is something else entirely.

From its opening titles onward, you know you're in for a smorgasbord of supreme shitiness. You know that brilliant cinematography and film framing that Argento films have always been known for despite their varying overall quality? There's none here...like at all. Everything in this film just looks so cheaply put together. I've seen shot-on-video trash that looks better than a majority of this film's production. Maybe I'm just being too picky, but none of it is made any better thanks to the schlocky 3D. Watching the film in 2D kind of reduces how cheap everything looks surprisingly, so maybe that's the way to go if you feel like punishing yourself by watching this piece of shit.

The film's storyline doesn't adheres to the source material off and on, which is fine honestly, because not every film adaptation of Dracula needs to be one hundred percent faithful, I mean look at the Universal Dracula and Hammer's Horror of Dracula; those films are perfect. Now comparing either of them to Dracula 3-D is like comparing a juicy t-bone steak to a piece of kangaroo meat posing as a McDonald's hamburger patty, but I digress. We get the usual characters with the Count (Thomas Kretschmann), Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer), Harker (Unax Ugalde), Mina (Marta Gastini), and Lucy (Asia Argento); all of whom range from atrociously bad to hilariously bad in their performances. Hauer in particular looks like he wants to wink at the camera whenever he's on screen like hey guys, I know I'm in this piece of shit...I need to pay the rent. Now maybe this isn't all necessarily the fault of the actors, considering I'm sure they all know the absurdity of what they're involved in. Asia has no excuse though, she's used to this by now. I hope when Father's day rolls around in the years to come since the film's release she gives dear old Dad a punch in the groin for this.

The other thing about Dracula 3-D is its running time. Clocking in at close to two full hours, the film drags and drags and drags. Maybe if it were packed with more ridiculous moments like Dracula turning into a praying mantis (yes, you read that right), things might be a little more enjoyable, but alas, that's not the case. The film just plods onward, always threatening to bore you to tears, and once something occurs that gives you a slight sense of hope that things might not be so bad, you get fucked in the head back to reality of how un-engaging, poorly put together, and overall just plain lame this film truly is. I really can't believe this is from the same guy that gave us Suspiria and all the other films of his that we've raved about for years and hold near and dear to our hearts. Seriously, what the fuck happened?

No matter how much shit I talk on Dracula 3-D, it doesn't do the shitiness of the film justice. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I really recommend you watch it just to see what I'm talking about here. I'm dead fucking serious. I can't guarantee you'll make it through the whole way, but I can recommend you'll find something funnier than Mel Brooks' Dracula: Dead and Loving It could ever hope to be. In fact, I think we should all start a drinking game just for this movie. Every time you hate yourself for watching it, take a shot. You'll be so smashed you may be declared legally dead within the first twenty minutes or less.

 

Rating: 1/5

Posted by Alan Smithee in MOVIE REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments