3 Headed Shark Attack

MOVIE REVIEW: 3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)

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Cast of Three Headed Shark Attack

Three Headed Shark Attack - See the unrated version if you have to see it.

Two heads may be better than one, but a three headed shark attack is a definite step backwards. Three Headed Shark Attack is a sequel to the Syfy movie Two Headed Shark Attack. While the first was fairly popular, coming at a time when SyFy channel monster mash ups and silly shark flicks are all the rage, it didn’t impress me much. I get some of the attraction of these, so bad they are funny, cheapo films like Sharknado, Sharktopus, and Mega Piranha. I even enjoy them occasionally, but the only real attraction in the first was Brooke Hogan's boobs, which sadly were mostly covered.

Unfortunately Brooke has disappeared from the sequel, much like her dad has disappeared from anything related to the WWE. Instead they have replaced Brooke's mammoth cleavage and the orange skinned Carmen Electra with an extra shark head, and small roles for Rob Van Dam and Danny Trejo (Machete).

Danny Trejo Machete in Three Headed Shark Attack

Danny Trejo in Three Headed Shark Attack

Now I won't ever complain about Danny in a film role. The man is a legend in my opinion, and a great example of turning your life around, but he really isn't in the film enough to make a difference. It seems the idea was to put his name on the cast, give him a machete and hope people paid to see it. Van Dam is on screen a bit more, but he is mostly standing around and looking earnest. I kept hoping at some point he would point to the sky and call out Sabu. Still I was a big fan of Rob back in his ECW days so it was nice seeing him on screen.

Rob Van Dam in Three Headed Shark Attack

Rob wasn't the whole F'n Show in Three Headed Shark Attack, and where the hell was Sabu?

The biggest star power of Three Headed Shark Attack belongs to Jena Sims and her stupendous gravity defying breasts. Skip the SyFy channel version and go for the R rated Netflix version that has nudity. It may sound trite, but in a movie like Three Headed Shark Attack, that's the only real reason to invest the time. That is unless you are related to Rob Van Dam or Danny Trejo. Sims might not be a big star yet, and hell she might not be able to act, as this movie didn't require any, but I would love to see more of her on the screen (no pun intended).

Jena Sims shows skin in Three Headed Shark Attack

The gorgeous Jena Sims in Three Headed Shark Attack

As far as the plot goes a bunch of people I don't care about, except Jena Sims, is trying to escape from a research center and a mutated three headed shark. Or maybe they are trying to kill it, or maybe not. I was never really sure. Basically it's get on a boat, get off a boat, get on another boat, get back on the first boat, then on an island, then on a slower boat, repeated over and over. Between the boat transfers, people jump, run, dive, and or get knocked into the water for various reasons that make no sense at all.

For a shark movie there is virtually no gore, and what little blood is mostly underwater. There was one scene where I could swear I saw the blood splashed into the water from off screen. The shark itself looked even stupider than the first movie. Still, what can you expect from The Asylum? Well, you should be able to expect better than this. Compared to the first film, Three Headed Shark Attack comes off as one of the rip off films that the Asylum is known for.

One kick for me was that Three Headed Shark Attack was filmed locally in Pensacola. It was fun to watch it, OK relative to the rest of the film, and recognize the beach where it was shot. If I'm not wrong it was Big Lagoon State Park. Sad part about that Big Lagoon is kind of hard to pass off as a research station in the middle of the ocean. It's beautiful but, it's wrong. Still yay for local filming and the money it brings, even though with the Asylum it probably wasn't much.

So what's the final score? Well I really can't recommend this for anyone. Not even hard core Trejo fans. Maybe if Rob Van Dam owes you money you might enjoy seeing Three Headed Shark Attack, or if you haven't seen any naked breasts this week. In which case turn the movie off right after Jena Sims first scene. Honestly no matter why you are watching Three Headed Shark Attack, you can turn it off after Jena's first scene. So I am giving this film one star for Danny Trejo, one star for Rob Van Dam, and one star for each of Jena Sim's Breasts. Then I am taking back Trejo's star because he should be more selective in films, and taking back Rob's because you didn't get a role for Sabu. So that leaves Three Headed Shark Attack with a mighty, whopping two stars for which it really doesn’t deserve.

Posted by Allen Alberson

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