Incarnate Eckhart

MOVIE REVIEW: Incarnate (2016)

Incarnate is a movie. I saw it. I'm tempted to end it here, but that wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Except maybe the people responsible for making Incarnate. Well, I should probably start with what I liked about the film. That's fair, right? Well, then, for the good parts: It was dark, slick, with a compelling and visually pleasing female lead front and center. Wait, that's not Incarnate! That's my mother fucking diet Coke-filled Rogue One cup I got at the concession stand! And that's the best thing about Incarnate.

Hello? Is this my agent? You're fired!

Oh shit, bra, you being hard on that movie. Yes, I am. I would say I hated it but that's such a small unassuming word. If Incarnate were a puppy, I would have it put down. I would record the process and post it to the Internet as a warning for other puppies. By now, you are probably wondering what brought on this attack of obvious hyperbole. There were many things. Many things which all amount to one base thing. The film was lazy, and it insults its audience.

Well, shit. I guess winter did come.

The plot as it were, a person (Aaron Eckhart) is able to enter the mind of possessed people. He does this to force the demon out. He heard about a kid possessed. The church comes knocking.

“U exorcise dat kid”

“No I not gonna exorcise dat kid”

“Y U no Exorcise dat kid?”

“Cause I haz sads for my dead family”

“Demon in dat kid killz your family”

“Ok I exorcise dat kid”

It's all cliché. It's all formula. Paint by numbers and to hell with Bob Ross.

Aaron Eckhart is trying his hardest to look and sound like Sean Bean. Seriously, the first time I saw him, after the opening they stole from Inception, I said, “Damn he looks just like Sean Bean. Shit that means hes gonna die”. Guess what happens ***spoiler alert*** he dies deader than Ned Stark. Seriously if the Sean Bean foreshadowing wasn't enough, Incarnate goes out of its way, over and over and over to let you know he's going to die. So all suspense about your main character is gone.

Incarnate sucks. Here's a kitten.

But I decided to give it a chance. Knowing the ending of a movie doesn't necessarily ruin it for me. I mean I knew Liberty Valance was gonna die, but I still loved that film. It's in the damn title. So, onward.

I pride myself in not being an overly picky viewer. Hell, look at my reviews. But here is a little thing that bugged the shit out of me. Mostly because there was no reason for it. The little kid possessed by a demon is asked its name. It goes though this evil sounding litany, some of which - names and timeline - struck me odd, but oh well - until... “After the deluge, when the angels took human women, my name was Passion”.

Now, I am paraphrasing a little, maybe, but the key part, “after the deluge”... No. Seriously, no. What the fuck - no. Did you actually research this or just hear somewhere “Hey, dude, the bible says angels raped women”. Fucking lame ass shit; read a goddammed bible. The deluge, aka the flood, happened after the angels came upon human women and children were born to them. In the Apocrypha, Book of Jubilees, I think, it’s even stated that the deluge was caused specifically to cleanse the earth of this ungodly offspring.

Now you are possibly saying “That’s such a small thing. Is it really important?” It's important because it works just as well if you say it right. “Before the deluge”. But the writers are either to lazy to research at all, to dumb to understand, or just don’t give a shit because they think fans wont notice. Well, I noticed and as much as I tried to ignore it, I was bothered during the entire film. Did I mishear it? Maybe they meant this. It bothered me. On its own, that would have been a small itch, an annoyance, but it's part of a whole.

Nit pick number two. The hero has to go into a dimension inside the child’s mind to evict the demon. He wont use the word exorcise because he hates the church. GRRRR church. Sean Bean, Aaron Eckhart hates you. Well, in this dimension, we are told over and over that time stands still. Yet you have to get out in eight minutes or you die, or something. But......if time stands still it doesn’t matter how long you are inside. Time stopped, remember? Yet we have the faux suspense of seeing clocks and counters, and people rushing and, chill out, he got forever, time be standing still, y'all.

The film ends with what seems like fifteen solid minutes of fake out after fake out, and each false ending you know is a fake out, you know it's a “twist”, and you know what's coming next. Every fucking twist is telegraphed or just so obvious that you feel like you must have stolen a copy of the script.

So what do we have? Predictable and utterly preposterous plot (lifted from Inception), lazy writers, over dramatic acting, CGI eyes on the demons, and no scares at all. Not a single fucking jump or even twitch in the whole film. Incarnate is boring, and manages to be both confusing and predictable at the same time. The characters do completely illogical, irresponsible, and ignorant things for no reason.

Incarnate Works on the Theory That Horror Fans Are Dumb and Will Watch Anything

I felt insulted as a viewer and as a fan of horror films. I feel dirty for paying money to see this. Please give me my money back. I feel like I gave my PayPal password to a Russian porn bot, and she laughed at me online. I knew this movie wouldn't be good. Knew that going in. It had the look of suck. But I convinced myself it go. And I did want to get one of those sweet Rogue One cups. But I didn't expect to hate it this much. At least I got my cup, and it is sweet.

Incarnate stars Aaron Eckhart (Batman: The Dark Knight), David Mazouz (Gotham), Clarice van Houten, and some other people. Brad Peyton (San Andreas) directed. See it at your own risk.

1 dimly burning Christmas star out of 10

Posted by Allen Alberson

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