Briana Evigan Paranormal Island

MOVIE REVIEW: Paranormal Island (2014)

By Dixielord

Briana Evigan stars in Paranormal Island

Paranormal Island movie poster

I'm really not a big fan of the Paranormal Activity films, and I'm also not a fan of knock off horror. Those films try to lure you in by using a title that makes you think it's connected to a more popular film or series. So I'm not sure why I ended up even watching Paranormal Island, directed by Marty Murray, which seems like it could fit into either, or both. I would hate to think that the main reason I watched this was due to Briana Evigan (The Devil's Carnival) being in the cast, but it was Briana Evigan.

Briana is a beautiful girl but it wasn't as sleazy as it sounds; I just assumed her involvement meant it wouldn't be a total cheap waste of time. So I took a chance with a blind VoD rental from Amazon. While I can't say I was thrilled with the film, I didn't end up crying over a wasted fours bucks. Luckily the film also starred Lance Henricksen (Aliens, Pumpkinhead, Near Dark, etc. etc.), and note to filmmakers, having Lance in the top credits, might gain you a few extra rentals. (Working on this article, I found he was given top billing on the poster.)

In Paranormal Island a group of teens take jobs bartending at a club on an island. The island is rumored to be haunted by an evil spirit called the Caretaker. The Caretaker was once the owner of the club and killed himself after losing it in a poker match. Now he kills anyone who spends the night on the island. Which is a great island to have a club on. The kids, of course, miss the last boat off, and have to struggle to survive and escape the Caretaker, and possibly other spirits trapped on the island.

Let's for a minute not even mention the silliness of having a club on an island where everyone staying overnight dies. Or the fact the club stays open till Midnight. Or the fact the last ship leaves at 2 a.m. So apparently the ghost kills anyone on the island from 2:30 until 6 or so. And let's definitely not mention the fact the filmmakers don’t know much about poker hands, as evidenced at the beginning of the film. So taking that the films premise is a bit silly, what are we left with? Lance Henricksen and Briana Evigan.

Paranormal Island is far from the worst film I have ever seen (looking at you Grizzly Falls). That being said, there really isn't a lot to recommend it either. There's no gore, not a lot of suspense or mystery, and only a couple of weak scares. Mostly like the lame ass Paranormal Activity films it's moving furniture, noises and people saying “what's that”. Unlike the Paranormal Activity series, there are a few actual ghostly appearances before the final scene and a couple of people do die. Not that you care about any of the characters so it's just meh.

Also like the Paranormal Activity films there's way too much time where nothing is happening. At the opening of the film the interactions are a bit interesting, letting us know a bit about the characters. But once on the island the pace is just too slow and just barely held my attention.

In the end there's only two reasons to watch Paranormal Island at all. The first is Lance Henricksen. The man is a living legend of film, especially horror, and if you don't know who he is or what he has done... Dude, what the fuck? Go do some research and watch some movies. Paranormal Island doesn't give him a lot to work with. There's nothing new, the character looks and acts like a lot of his other recent characters, but it's still Lance and he's always worth the price of admission.

The second reason is Briana Evigan. The film gets an extra star because she spends most of Paranormal Island in a bikini. Don't hate on me; these are my stars, and I'll give 'em like I want to. While there is no nudity in Paranormal Island (bummer), Briana's bikini is very small, and there are a couple nice shots of her BJ and the Bare (sic) ass-crack. If I find out that was a body double, I'm joining a monastery.

Briana Evigan in a bikini in Paranormal Island

Bikini clad Briana Evigan in Paranormal Island

So for a not very interesting story that's only slightly more interesting than the first Paranormal Activity, I can only give Paranormal Island 2 stars. However, yes I am giving it an extra star for Briana's bikini and booty. Then one more star for Lance Henricksen for four stars total. That's really, really generous, and if Briana used a booty double, I'm taking one star back before leaving for the monastery.

So that's 4 out of 10 stars, not a total waste of time, but best advice wait till it's on Netflix.

Posted by Allen Alberson

1 comment

moviefanatic72

It was ok, why do I always get suckered in by a great poster or cover art. I buy it because it looks good then when I get home and watch it I’m truly depressed and out the money of the DVD

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