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GAME REVIEW: Zombeer

GAME REVIEW: Zombeer

zombeer01

By Nick Durham

Zombie games are all over the place these days, and have been for a while...and they aren't going anywhere any time soon either. We get the occasional good one coming our way now and then, and on the flip side of that, we get some really bad ones...

Really...really...bad ones.

Case in point is Zombeer: a zombie-themed first person shooter that tries to inject bits of humor into otherwise run of the mill shooter elements...and it does them terribly. Very...fucking...terribly. Seriously, this game is a fucking chore. Now I should mention right now that this review is based on the Playstation 3 version of the game. I know it's on Steam for PC, and I've seen a fair amount of positive reviews for that version, so maybe the PS3 has a shitty port? I can't really say for certain, so I'll just continue onward with what I experienced on the PS3.

Anyway, Zombeer tells the tale of a beer-swigging tool bag that you play as, who awakens from a night of binge-drinking to discover that the zombie apocalypse has happened. Eventually you discover that you've been bitten, and the only thing keeping you from turning is to keep on drinking...and slaughtering the undead in the process. In the middle of all this is unfunny toilet humor (which is saying something, considering I love that shit...no pun intended) and broken mechanics on top of that, making the whole thing a fucking chore.

On top of its shitty (again, no pun intended) humor and fractured mechanics, everything in Zombeer is just so damn dull. The graphics are muddy and look like a PS2 game from 2002, the enemy AI is almost non-existent, the level layouts are head-scratching, and the whole thing is just plain fucking boring. There really isn't much of anything here I can recommend...like at all.

So yeah, Zombeer is a big bucket of fuck this shit. I downloaded it on Playstation Network on a whim because it was dirt cheap. After putting an hour into it, I can safely say I want my money back...and I only gave it an hour because I'm a fucking masochist.

Rating: 1/5

 

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
GAME REVIEW: Final Exam

GAME REVIEW: Final Exam

finalexam

By Nick Durham

Want to beat up a monster with a baseball bat? Or shoot one down with a gun? Or say fuck it and chop one up with a chainsaw? Well now you can with Final Exam. A side-scrolling beat 'em up that can support up to four players at once (and trust me, it helps to have teammates for this game), Final Exam is a somewhat worthwhile dirge for action/horror enthusiasts. Also, apparently this game is somehow part of the Obscure survival horror video game franchise, but considering the Obscure games are 3D traditional survival horror games, and Final Exam totally isn't, you'd never know that upon first glance.

The gameplay of Final Exam is a pretty standard side-scrolling beat 'em up; kind of like the original Splatterhouse, but with backtracking and even more annoyances than it should justifiably have. Playing with others is recommended though, because the enemies are surprisingly tough and take a lot of punishment, and can dish it right back out. Luckily there is an assortment of weapons you can eventually get your hands on, and there's  a decent amount of upgrades for your abilities, etc. No matter what though, multiplayer is the way to go.

Now Final Exam can be some worthwhile fun while it lasts, but it can be severely annoying too. The backtracking isn't fun or rewarding (this ain't fucking Metroid), the enemy types aren't varied enough, and the controls are curiously delayed in their timing. The game does look and sound good though for what it is, which is a cheap, downloadable title for PS3, Xbox 360, and PC. The game's stages are lengthy, but the game itself is short. I know reading that makes absolutely no sense, but it's true.

All in all, Final Exam is okay for what it is. If you can find it cheap and have some friends willing to give it a shot with you, I'd say check it out. Just don't expect anything too special out of it.

Rating: 3/5

 

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
GAME REVIEW: Spooky’s House of Jump Scares

GAME REVIEW: Spooky’s House of Jump Scares

By Margeaux DeMott

Spooky's House of Jump Scares

Spooky's House of Jump Scares is by far the cutest horror game you will ever play. You begin the game by being greeted by an adorable ghost girl named Spooky who invites you to take a fun filled walk through her creepy castle. This first person horror game takes you through one thousand different rooms of jump scaring fun! Through the first couple of rooms you'll find adorable little cut outs of ghosts, pumpkins, jelly monsters and other pleasant things pop out at you. They are incredibly cute and harmless. As you progress, you being to find notes of someone rambling about being lost in the house. Oops, I hope you've been leaving bread crumbs. From there, the game begins to throw at you actual harmful enemies.

The graphics are quite basic. It looks kind of like the original Doomexcept softer around the edges. However, it works excellently for this game. It adds to the charming everything is safe and cute aspect of the game. The music is low key but adds an air of creepy to the game in its own right. The noises accompanied with the creatures are excellent. Watch out for the sound levels though. It really adds to the jump scare. When I played it, the sound was way too loud, and I had to manually turn it down through my sound mixer. You use W,A,S,D to move and the mouse to look. Mouse sensitivity wasn't too bad for me, but if it is for you then prepare to lock your wrist. That is because unfortunately there is currently no way to adjust mouse sensitivity in game. The only thing you can actually adjust in game is the resolution, and you don't even have control over that. Hopefully in future updates this will change.

Spooky's House of Jump Scares is free to play on Steam and Indie DB (database). On Steam you can purchase the sound track and more skins for the house. Not literally skins though, it's just a term for themes.

Made by Lag Studios that is run by only two people. Oh and! On their website it has a TBA (to be announced) for a mobile version of the game. So you can be adorably scared on the go. Until then be sure to download Spooky's House of Jump Scares and try it out for yourself.

9/10 Kawaii AF ghosts

Watch me play it!

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
COMING SOON: Friday the 13th: The Game (2016)

COMING SOON: Friday the 13th: The Game (2016)

By Margeaux DeMott

JV Mask

A while ago we heard about a game called Slasher Vol. 1: Summer Camp being made by Gun Media with the help of Tom Savini. This game was in the works to be an asymmetrical multiplayer game for the PC, Xbox one, and PS4. inspired by 80s slasher films where you could play as the killer or one of the camp counselors. The group of counselors consists of six or seven players and they have to try to survive in a don't be a hero type of way. Stealth, avoidance, running like hell (or at least faster than everyone else) are all acceptable ways to keep your blood inside your body and all of your bones in their proper alignment. As the killer, you have one job: kill. Sounds like a game most of us would like to play. Plus, it was touted as a volume 1 game, which meant we could have possibly different killers and settings based on other 80s slashers.

Moving forward to October 13, 2015 where we have a new announcement. Slasher Vol. 1: Summer Camp is now a full-fledged Friday the 13th game. That's right. They got the green light to use Jason, which means that not only do we get to play as a slasher villain, we get to play as fucking JASON VOORHEES in CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE. Oh, and did I mention that they have Kane Hodder to do the motion capture for Jason, and he's coordinating his stunt men so we can have the most epic animations possible. They also have Sean S. Cunningham himself to lend a hand in making the game. Who's doing the soundtrack, you may ask yourself? Well, guys, it's Harry Manfredini. The composer for the original Friday the 13th score, along with countless other movie music works.

Friday the 13th: The Game will have multiplayer and single player. The single player will revolve around scenarios based off of scenes from the franchise. This goes for both Jason and the counselors. There will also be a movie trailer at the end of the matches. Like a game highlights video, which we can share!

You will be able to unlock different Jason character models as well as more camp counselors. There are tiers to the Kickstarter campaign for the game that get you special in-game content. For example, at $65 you get a Kickstarter exclusive Jason character with unique a weapon designed by Tom Savini. Their tier rewards are really well thought out and might make you drool.

Friday the 13th: The Game has an estimated release date of October 2016 when it will be available for the Playstation 4, Xbox one, and PC via Steam. (Am I the only one that hears Steam and hopes it will be open to mods in the future?)

Here's the Kickstarter.

Here's the official website.

Posted by Alan Smithee in HORROR NEWS, 0 comments
GAME REVIEW: American McGee’s Grimm, S1E1 (2008)

GAME REVIEW: American McGee’s Grimm, S1E1 (2008)

By Margeaux DeMott

Grimm
American McGee's Grimm is quite possibly the cutest little horror story you will find in a video game. When I first started playing Grimm I was thought it was a game for kids. Which kind of confused me, because the only thing I know of American McGee is his game American McGee's Alice. The art work alone for Alice tells you what kind of game it is, and that is: it is not for children. Grimm is quite different. The artwork in Grimm is charming, whimsical, and eye catching. It looks like it could be a children's show. Even the bad designs are fairly cutesy. Don't be fooled dear audience, the game does actually get dark. Well, kind of.

When we first meet our character, Grimm, he is being harassed by two kids. The children ask him to tell them a story and he becomes upset because the fairy tales are too happy. So as the smelliest-curmudgeon-pirate-man around he decides that it is up to him to fix the stories. So we play through the game as if in the middle of the story. Making the fairy tale as creepy as possible. Or rather smelly, stinky, nasty, et cetera. [hey look it's that word that no one ever spells out! -ed] This is accomplished by simply walking around. Seriously. Our cannonball sized character is much like Pigpen except he makes things around him creepy and calls it smelly. There is a gauge of how awful you have made the fairy tale and inside of that gauge there are levels. You need to hit a certain level in order to change bigger pieces of the story. Once you have hit the level the game will instruct you to BUTT STOMP IT on or around the certain part of the area. This progresses your game and allows you to go on to the next episode. The butt stomp is achieved by hitting the space bar twice. Oh glorbs I forgot about the pee! When you aren't moving around Grimm will automatically start peeing. This is used when you need a long jump. Just start peeing and hit that space bar to land where your pee just landed.

That's how it works in real life, right guys?

The voice acting in this game is on point. Musically it's wonderful. They did really well on that whole science of what a human can listen to repetitively without wanting to vomit. Game play wise it is straight forward and easy to pick up.

The first chapter is called A Boy Learns What Fear Is. This is the only chapter I have played so far. The story focuses on a boy who is born without the knowledge of fear. Now this could be because his life is so safe and simple that he never had an experience with fear OR [what I think] because he has a rare brain malfunction that inhibits him from feeling fear. Whichever way it is you are tasked with stalking this young boy to try to strike terror in his young heart. This involves turning children into match sticks, destroying a realm, and hanging some people. Yes, complete with the awful noises of a choking victim. But someone has to do it and who better than you?

You can find American McGee's Grimm on Steam, GOG, and probably a lot of other places on the Internet.

3/5 Creepy fairy tales.

Come watch me play American McGee's Grimm!

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
GAME REVIEW: Fingerbones (2014)

GAME REVIEW: Fingerbones (2014)

By Margeaux DeMott

fingerbones

Fingerbones is a very odd, indie, psychological horror game. It is less a "game" and more of a "narrative"... think walking simulator. You just wander around the room clicking on everything you can until you find the next piece of the puzzle. You begin the game in the first room with no weapons or knowledge of what you're really supposed to do. Looking around the room you find some scattered notes. They're written by... yourself - or rather - the character that you are playing. Like a sort of found journal. Using the information from the notes you are able to unlock the other rooms in the game. The point of this is to get the rest of the notes in this safe house to remember who your character is. You are not going to like him. If you do like the character please do the world a favor and lock yourself away forever, and unsubscribe from my YouTube channel.

The first note you find throws a thought into your head screaming "This guy is an asshole!" That thought is correct - but hold on it only gets worse. I can not stress enough how completely terrible this guy is. It really hits harder when you finish the game and think about the contents of those notes. No spoilers needed here. because…

The game only takes about thirty minutes to complete in its entirety. There is no save option so make sure that if you exit you do so on purpose and not accidentally. I did that within the first 5 minutes because I forgot that one of the doors is the game exit. Whoops! The music in it is perfect for this creepy lonely shelter. In the game you can hear eerie sounds of a child. They really ratchet up the tension because you are sure that when you turn around or finish reading there will be an angry something ready to get you. Which makes up for the basic graphics. They're so bad. The whole game looks like Minecraft with a sepia filter. The notes look like QR codes. If you are a graphics snob, then you should not bother with this game.

The game was made and produced by David Szymanski. It is currently available on Steam, IndieDB, and Game Jolt for free. If you have thirty minutes to waste and would like to lose a little faith in humanity then go for it. If you don't want to play it, but still want to know the contents of the notes then you can watch me play it here: Fingerbones Let's Play.

3/5 Oldboy fingers

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments
GAME REVIEW: Clown House

GAME REVIEW: Clown House

By Margeaux DeMott

clownhouse

Clown House is a horror game. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I spelled that wrong. Clown House is a HORRIBLE game.

The game starts up with a little insight into what's going on: You're trapped in a house with lunatic clowns due to a "MEANINGLESS REASON". Literally. That's what it says. That right there should have been a red flag. The creator didn't even care enough to take maybe ten seconds to give a reason as to why you're in a house with crazy clowns. So you (naturally) want/have to find a key to get out of the house. Around the house there are clowns. Just kinda sitting around, doing nothing. The clowns don't immediately attack you, and you can't shoot them until after they have decided to kill you. Thankfully there's a music spike to let you know you're about to be attacked, so you have more than enough time to defend yourself. The clowns are very slow. Mostly they're just lazing around, disinterested in your existence. When they attack you, it seems like they're thinking, "Hey man, it's not personal. I'm just doing my job. Look, you can still get away!" rather than "I'm a lunatic clown and I'm going kill you and wear your skin!" Oh, and the key is always in plain sight just sitting on top a dresser or another random table.

The graphics are okay, Playstation One-era looking, and in black and white. For some reason they put this weird shine on everything so it looks like everything has a layer of goo over it. You have to choose between moving forward and having the gun out, which I hate because I prefer being prepared. The set mouse sensitivity is insane, so if you do choose to play it be sure to fix that. The sound is boring, and I can barely recall anything outside of the 'hey a clown is creeping toward you' noise.

0/10

Posted by Alan Smithee in GAME REVIEWS, REVIEWS, 0 comments